A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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