He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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