maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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