I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
