he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
