now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You ruined the universe
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
