he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
