I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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