dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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