I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
