your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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