She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
