I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
