Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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