I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
