She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
