he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
