Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Randomize
