so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
