Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
