First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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