i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
