Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
