Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
