Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
