WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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