I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
