She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize