is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
