yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Banned from zoo.
Again?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
