I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
