you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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