DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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