Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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