I think I won the penis lottery.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We need to get me chipped asap
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
