Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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