Sorry, I don't speak sober.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
