direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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