i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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