There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
