trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My vagina just recognized that song.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Randomize