Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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