u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
