just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
