I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
