if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
