How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
