yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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