He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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