Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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