I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
ttyl tear gas
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
