You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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