Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
