I think scott just propositioned me for sex
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
