Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
