I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
