end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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