My Higher Power is John Stamos
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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