Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
