The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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