I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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