I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
