I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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