My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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